Posted by lena on February 19, 2002 at 11:40:37:
In Reply to: Re: His mother didnīt accept me posted by John on February 15, 2002 at 18:30:25:
Calm down John--you sound like Hitler. You don't know me and so you can't assume I am not proud of my heritage. I'm Greek-American, I speak the Greek fluently, and almost allof my relatives still live in Greece. Growing up I was raised amongst Greek values and traditions, and I still hold them close to my heart today.
However, as you noted yourself, only a TINY percentage of the population is greek, and I can't limit my relationships to that tiny population, especially when I live in a VERY diverse area of the US. I am not surrounded by hundreds of Greek men all the time, like I would be if I were living in Greece. And since I have no plans of moving there. I was born and raised in America, where independence is cherished and where I was taught to treat all fellow humans (despite their race, beliefs, etc.) EQUALLY. I cannot just discard those values when it comes to my relationships.
Love is hard to find, and so when I found it---I held onto it. to wait for a greek man to come into my life doesn't make sense because it may never happen. My parents and the people who agree with them keep forgetting that i am not ONLY Greek, but i am AMERICAN as well. I was born in America, had American friends, and went to american schools. I try to incorporate the best of both cultures in my life. I appreciate American culture for the independence it encourages everyone to strive for. Being an individual and making choices for one's self is something to be proud of in this country, whereas in Greece it is many times looked down upon as a selfish act.
John--you really have no idea what you're saying. Excluding non-Greeks out of your social circles is not healthy, especially if you live in the US. If you do, you are losing out on being exposed to the different cultures around you. Each is unique in its own special way. and it is those who are different than us that can teach us the most. I'm not against marrying my own "kind", but I am against discriminating. Secondly, you are also a male and so you can't fully understand or empathize with the struggle that many GReek american girls must encounter when it comes to the double standard many parents hold over their daughters. Surprisingly, while i'm being exiled for dating a black man, my brother has been free to date several non-Greek women, including Korean, Indian, and Irish girls. And yet, my parents had NO objections...Why you ask? He's the boy!
In the end, the botton line is, that this is less of a matter of right and wrong, and more about my parents realizing that I'm a grown woman who can make her own choices.
: : i'm having a similar situation...my parents won't except my boyfriend of two years who is black. I was ready to leave my boyfriend and follow my parents' wishes, but i realized that the only choices that will make me happy in my life are MINE not my parents. I wouldn't be so concerned about his mother, as I would be with him. He needs to take that step and deal witht he consequences of his mother not liking his parents. Many greek children are taught to put the family's wishes before their own--which often leads to unhappiness for the child. He needs to understand that he will never be happy if he lets his mother be the ultimate decisionmaker in his life. I'm 23 yrs old and by staying with my boyfriend, I have been left on my own. I'm cut off financially from my family and my parents nor siblings will speak to me anymore. But, I also don't regret my choice---I'm with a man that respects and cares about very much. I've never been this happy in my life, and I know he is the one for me. I have no doubts.
: : But, I keep trying to reach out to my family, calling and writing them. althought no one responds, i know i'm doing my part. I can't erase my parents' prejudices--they were raised in greece with different stereotypes and haven't been raised in my reality, where the color of someone skin is not a factor in my choice of relationships. But, I can be patient and hope that eventually they will accept me as I am, cause I am their daughter, and deserve their unconditional love. Your ex has to realize that not ALL his choices will please his mother, and he just has to take that step forward. If he really loves you and really wants to mature, then he will stick with you. If not, this issue of mother making his choices will come back to haunt him. Up until recently, i had always deferred to my parents' wishes, partly because I was still young and thought they knew better, partly because they'd give me a horrible guilt trip about how I don't want them to be happy if I don't do what they want. He needs to realize that once you hit a certain age, "mother knows best" just doesn't cut it. sometimes, our parents DON'T know what right for us.
: : I wouldn't be as upset with his mother, as I would be with him. He needs to realize what HE really wants more. Does he want to have a healthy relationship with his girlfriend, or does he want to have an unhealthy relationshi with his mother, trying to make her happy all the time? Which is more important to him? If it's the latter, then move on. If you try to stay with him, his mother will be a constant thorn in the relationship. I'm sure you agree that you deserve a man who can stand up for himself and make his own decisions.
: : Please don't think I am not being sensitive to him...i'm sure he feels caught between the two of you, and if his mother is anything like mine...the mental torment can be unbearable! I've spent nights crying myself to sleep because my parents' won't accept my choice.
: : I really hope he changes his mind and stays loyal to his love for you...it will be one of the hardest, yet most liberating, decisions he'll ever make. At first, he may feel like he's betraying his mother, but if he didn't stay with you, he'd only be betraying himself. You two may want to consider counseling, or maybe he and his mother could speak to someone.
: : Good luck with everything. I know how hard this can be, especially when you their is a child in the picture. don't forget---Your child should be your first and foremost priority here.
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: Your parents are right. You should stay with your own kind. Greeks make up only a tiny percentage of the worlds population. You should be proud you are Greek.